Friday, December 17, 2010

Dear God,
        One week from tonight is Christmas Eve, the night of celebrating the birth of Your Son. In four days, I will light a candle to remember the loss of my baby girl. Admittedly, the grief is not as consuming and I am able to face the holidays with a renewed sense of celebration but I would be lying if I said there still isn't a place inside my heart that aches from her loss. She would be turning two this next July and I sometimes close my eyes and wonder what she would look like? Would she have dark brown hair and green eyes like me? Or would she have baby fine blonde hair and brown eyes like her dad and two of her older half brothers? Would she be a tough and feisty tomboy like her sister Cheyenne? Or would she be a prim and proper little lady?
         Dear God, my heart still hurts because she is gone. I hurt knowing that I will never hear her say "I love you, Momma." or be able to teach her how to pray. I hurt that there will never be pictures on my refrigerator from her or handmade cards at the holidays. I hurt that I will never see her open her presents on Christmas morning and listen to her delightful squeals at the sight of the surprises inside. I hurt that I will never see her chest slowly rise and fall as she lays her little head on her pillow at night to sleep. I know, dear God, that she is in the best possible care and hands that she could possibly be in. And I know that one day I will see her and be her Momma in a way I couldn't be here. But I still hurt...I still weep....I still mourn.....I thought that by this time, the mourning would have ceased. But then I wonder if it ever really does? 

Dear God,
I have not written much. My thoughts as well as my prayers continue to be scattered. So much is happening, so much to prepare for. Help me!

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Dear God,
        Though my prayers have not been recorded, they have been whispered. My hand is finally to where I can use it without the pain. I was not able to get in to see the doctor so I don't really know what the damage was. Missing work really hurt but I know I was suffering. Thank You for bringing me through it. 
         We looked at a house that would be so perfect for us, not just size wise but also location. An application was sent to us to fill out. How wonderful it would be to spend Christmas in a new house. That would be the best present ever. A new home.