Dear God,
I am tired and I hurt. My hand feels as though it has been set on fire or else it's numb. I am having it looked at tomorrow. No work again.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
Dear God,
We went to look at a house today. It's in a great location and size-wise it would be ideal. We were given an application to fill out and I have a paper from FIA to fill out for help with the down payment. I will continue to check the classifieds and see what else is being offered. Either direction, our times are in Your hands.
We went to look at a house today. It's in a great location and size-wise it would be ideal. We were given an application to fill out and I have a paper from FIA to fill out for help with the down payment. I will continue to check the classifieds and see what else is being offered. Either direction, our times are in Your hands.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Tuesday, November 17, 2010
Dear God,
Well, I thought today would be a day of rest. Instead I was called in to work. One of the grill team came to work sick and ended up going home. Robyn took her spot and I was counter person till 1 (I found out after the fact that I was supposed to be there till 1:30 but they let me go anyway.). I went in but I went in reluctantly. I need the hours but after the last few days, work was the last place I wanted to be. I didn't feel like putting on my game face and smiling as though there wasn't a thing on my mind and I certainly did not want to have to deal with people. But I did. Unfortunately today has been one of those days when I feel all thumbs. Ira was trying to joke with me about the spills on the stove that need to be cleaned up and sadly I did not take it as joking; I took him to be serious. In turn he became angry and was going to just leave until I called him back. He's right when he says how I poke jabs at him and make remarks and he laughs it off but when it is done to me, I can't take it; therefore that is why he doesn't joke with me. Because I can't take it.
As if that wasn't enough, there was a knock on the door and I was handed an envelope with a court paper inside. I am being subpoenaed to appear in small claims court December 2. I had my gall bladder out four years ago and wasn't able to consistently make payments, partly because I was out of work but even after I went back to work I didn't bring home enough to cover everything. What worries me is, when I get all of my paperwork and any necessary bills and such together, I am going to have to include the boys' social security and SSI. By law, that isn't supposed to be seized for things like this but it happened to me once before and if it happens again, I don't know what we're going to do. They have tried to garnish my wages to no avail, they are probably going to end up with my state tax return. If they get the boys' money, I don't know how we'll get through. I just feel as though I have let my family and the ones I love the most down!
I'm sorry, dear God. All of this sounds like I doubt You and Your word, like somehow You're only going to bring me so far and no further. That isn't it. Today was just one thing heaped on top of another and I just had a melt down. I had a bout with my humanity again and for today it won. I don't want it to win again; I want a life of victory. I want the life you died to give me. You have a good plan for me and for my family and You know the plans You have for us. They are to give us a future and a hope! It says so in Your Word. It says so and I believe it is so. I am very afraid of the days ahead but I will not live in fear! I will not allow it to steal my life or my joy! And Your joy is what keeps me strong!
Good night, God.
Well, I thought today would be a day of rest. Instead I was called in to work. One of the grill team came to work sick and ended up going home. Robyn took her spot and I was counter person till 1 (I found out after the fact that I was supposed to be there till 1:30 but they let me go anyway.). I went in but I went in reluctantly. I need the hours but after the last few days, work was the last place I wanted to be. I didn't feel like putting on my game face and smiling as though there wasn't a thing on my mind and I certainly did not want to have to deal with people. But I did. Unfortunately today has been one of those days when I feel all thumbs. Ira was trying to joke with me about the spills on the stove that need to be cleaned up and sadly I did not take it as joking; I took him to be serious. In turn he became angry and was going to just leave until I called him back. He's right when he says how I poke jabs at him and make remarks and he laughs it off but when it is done to me, I can't take it; therefore that is why he doesn't joke with me. Because I can't take it.
As if that wasn't enough, there was a knock on the door and I was handed an envelope with a court paper inside. I am being subpoenaed to appear in small claims court December 2. I had my gall bladder out four years ago and wasn't able to consistently make payments, partly because I was out of work but even after I went back to work I didn't bring home enough to cover everything. What worries me is, when I get all of my paperwork and any necessary bills and such together, I am going to have to include the boys' social security and SSI. By law, that isn't supposed to be seized for things like this but it happened to me once before and if it happens again, I don't know what we're going to do. They have tried to garnish my wages to no avail, they are probably going to end up with my state tax return. If they get the boys' money, I don't know how we'll get through. I just feel as though I have let my family and the ones I love the most down!
I'm sorry, dear God. All of this sounds like I doubt You and Your word, like somehow You're only going to bring me so far and no further. That isn't it. Today was just one thing heaped on top of another and I just had a melt down. I had a bout with my humanity again and for today it won. I don't want it to win again; I want a life of victory. I want the life you died to give me. You have a good plan for me and for my family and You know the plans You have for us. They are to give us a future and a hope! It says so in Your Word. It says so and I believe it is so. I am very afraid of the days ahead but I will not live in fear! I will not allow it to steal my life or my joy! And Your joy is what keeps me strong!
Good night, God.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Tuesay, November 16, 2010
Dear God,
Another busy day today and I am so tired. I've had moments of needing to catch myself because I feel like Im falling asleep here at the computer. Thankfully I have tomorrow off. I worked part of Robyn's shift on Monday and she is working for me tomorrow. In one respect, I hate to lose out on hours but after the last couple of days I could use the rest. Maybe I will be a little more motivted tomorrow. I have to be. There is still so much that needs to be done because time is running out.
The T.V. in the living room stopped working this morning. There is sound but no picture, kind of like in the days of radio. That was the day's bginning! We went to look at another house today and that did not go well. The guy who was showing us the house took off five minutes before we were supposed to meet to go to the store and left us waiting for almost half an hour. When he did take us through the place, I could not believe what I saw. It was a dump, basically a converted garage, and I have to say, I am being polite. One bedroom's flooring had been torn up due to damage of some kind, the washer/dryer were in the kitchen next to the refridgerator. There was no real furnace or heating system but what was there looked like space heaters that were hooked to the wall. There were no lights, no areas for storage, nothing that was family friendly. I am probably sounding dramatic but it is the kind of place that would have drug dealer checking their watches!
While we were waiting to see the place, I saw an ad that read familiar so out of curiosity I called. Sure enough, the person I had spoken to was someone had spoken to several months ago. I had looked into renting his home back in August. He called me shortly after and told me that they had found a renter. It seems that these folks had an emergency in their family and had to break their agreement so it is back on the market. He is supposed to be up Thursday so that we can take a look at the house but he talked like he was going to call once he knew for sure what his schedule was going to be. I am almost scared to even think or hope for the positive because of the way things have gone. I have tried to keep a smile and a cheery outlook but I have to admit it has been very hard to do today. It isn't that I doubt You or Your word. I guess I'm having a momentary bout of humanity. I know You have a plan. I don't know what that plan is but I know You have one!
Dea God....please comfort me....don't let me lose hope!
Another busy day today and I am so tired. I've had moments of needing to catch myself because I feel like Im falling asleep here at the computer. Thankfully I have tomorrow off. I worked part of Robyn's shift on Monday and she is working for me tomorrow. In one respect, I hate to lose out on hours but after the last couple of days I could use the rest. Maybe I will be a little more motivted tomorrow. I have to be. There is still so much that needs to be done because time is running out.
The T.V. in the living room stopped working this morning. There is sound but no picture, kind of like in the days of radio. That was the day's bginning! We went to look at another house today and that did not go well. The guy who was showing us the house took off five minutes before we were supposed to meet to go to the store and left us waiting for almost half an hour. When he did take us through the place, I could not believe what I saw. It was a dump, basically a converted garage, and I have to say, I am being polite. One bedroom's flooring had been torn up due to damage of some kind, the washer/dryer were in the kitchen next to the refridgerator. There was no real furnace or heating system but what was there looked like space heaters that were hooked to the wall. There were no lights, no areas for storage, nothing that was family friendly. I am probably sounding dramatic but it is the kind of place that would have drug dealer checking their watches!
While we were waiting to see the place, I saw an ad that read familiar so out of curiosity I called. Sure enough, the person I had spoken to was someone had spoken to several months ago. I had looked into renting his home back in August. He called me shortly after and told me that they had found a renter. It seems that these folks had an emergency in their family and had to break their agreement so it is back on the market. He is supposed to be up Thursday so that we can take a look at the house but he talked like he was going to call once he knew for sure what his schedule was going to be. I am almost scared to even think or hope for the positive because of the way things have gone. I have tried to keep a smile and a cheery outlook but I have to admit it has been very hard to do today. It isn't that I doubt You or Your word. I guess I'm having a momentary bout of humanity. I know You have a plan. I don't know what that plan is but I know You have one!
Dea God....please comfort me....don't let me lose hope!
Monday, November 15, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
Dear God...
Well, we're back to square one. We won't be getting the house. I got an e-mail from Patty and since she didn't hear back from us, another family put down a deposit. So we're starting all over again.
Dear God, I am trying hard to not get discouraged and inside I know that You will work this out for our good. I guess right now the human side of me wants to take over. We're losing this place. We have three weeks, if that. Each time something promising comes along, something happens and it's gone. My greatest fear is that we won't find anything and we'll be out on the street. My babies have to have a home! I cannot let them down this way!
Why, dear God? Why?
Well, we're back to square one. We won't be getting the house. I got an e-mail from Patty and since she didn't hear back from us, another family put down a deposit. So we're starting all over again.
Dear God, I am trying hard to not get discouraged and inside I know that You will work this out for our good. I guess right now the human side of me wants to take over. We're losing this place. We have three weeks, if that. Each time something promising comes along, something happens and it's gone. My greatest fear is that we won't find anything and we'll be out on the street. My babies have to have a home! I cannot let them down this way!
Why, dear God? Why?
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Dear God...
Before I finish out my day, before I close my eyes to rest, I want to say thank You. Thank You first of all for the people in my life who love me and believe in me. Thank You for heat and for running water, both hot and cold. Thank You for electricity and for the warmth of clothing. Thank You for laughter and for tears; both have been my partner(s) throughout some very difficult circumstances and I can honestly say I couldn't have one without the other. Thank You for life, for love, and for the very breath I take! And God, thank You for all that YOU are!
Good night!
Before I finish out my day, before I close my eyes to rest, I want to say thank You. Thank You first of all for the people in my life who love me and believe in me. Thank You for heat and for running water, both hot and cold. Thank You for electricity and for the warmth of clothing. Thank You for laughter and for tears; both have been my partner(s) throughout some very difficult circumstances and I can honestly say I couldn't have one without the other. Thank You for life, for love, and for the very breath I take! And God, thank You for all that YOU are!
Good night!
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Dear God...
Well, so much for a three day weekend. I am working from 12-3 tomorrow for Robyn. Granted it may mean losing three hours for the week but that's okay. Robyn's been a good friend and co-worker. I don't mind helping her out.
I started packing up the bedroom today, something I haven't done in thirteen years. Wrapping my dolls in newspaper, placing my teddy bears lovingly and strategically in boxes, along with articles of clothes. I managed to get ten boxes done. Not a bad evening's work. I am nowhere near being finished but I am off to a good start anyway.
Well, so much for a three day weekend. I am working from 12-3 tomorrow for Robyn. Granted it may mean losing three hours for the week but that's okay. Robyn's been a good friend and co-worker. I don't mind helping her out.
I started packing up the bedroom today, something I haven't done in thirteen years. Wrapping my dolls in newspaper, placing my teddy bears lovingly and strategically in boxes, along with articles of clothes. I managed to get ten boxes done. Not a bad evening's work. I am nowhere near being finished but I am off to a good start anyway.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Dear God,
It's a three day weekend for me. I don't work again until Tuesday. There is so much to do in such a short period of time. In my bedroom there is a mountain of boxes which are currently unfilled for the most part. Before they finally made their way to the van they were constructed into a fort in the downstairs crew room. Very creative! Not to mention insulating!
Dear God, this is the time each year to be thankful for all we have and with that is remembering and honoring those who have gone on ahead of us. Inthe Native American culture, suppers are held throughout the community and anyone and everyone is welcome. Outside, facing the west, a fire burns. Bowls with natural herbs--tobacco, sage, cedar, and sweetgrass--are placed on a table or some sort of flat surface. Those attending the fire take pinches of each herb and, walking clockwise around the fire, sprinkle the herbs into the flames. As the herbs fall amidst wood and fire, a prayer is offered up for those who have passed on. About a week or so ago, I did this to remember Angel and Angelica, my little ones who are safely in Your keeping. I will do it again this afternoon. Such a difficult time of year for me. How I miss them!
It's a three day weekend for me. I don't work again until Tuesday. There is so much to do in such a short period of time. In my bedroom there is a mountain of boxes which are currently unfilled for the most part. Before they finally made their way to the van they were constructed into a fort in the downstairs crew room. Very creative! Not to mention insulating!
Dear God, this is the time each year to be thankful for all we have and with that is remembering and honoring those who have gone on ahead of us. Inthe Native American culture, suppers are held throughout the community and anyone and everyone is welcome. Outside, facing the west, a fire burns. Bowls with natural herbs--tobacco, sage, cedar, and sweetgrass--are placed on a table or some sort of flat surface. Those attending the fire take pinches of each herb and, walking clockwise around the fire, sprinkle the herbs into the flames. As the herbs fall amidst wood and fire, a prayer is offered up for those who have passed on. About a week or so ago, I did this to remember Angel and Angelica, my little ones who are safely in Your keeping. I will do it again this afternoon. Such a difficult time of year for me. How I miss them!
Wednesday November 10, 2010
Dear God...I. have not written much of anything lately. My prayers have been as scattered as my thoughts. So many decisions to make. So many things just overwhelming my heart and mind and soul. So much to face that I never imagined in my worst nightmare having to face. Just as I feel the mercy and believe for forgiveness, something happens, something is said and I find myself flooded with guilt and condemnation. So much uncertainty that I am almost afraid to hope for anything good. My needs are many and I feel unworthy to bring them to You yet I know You know what we stand in need of. I am scared to hope and I am scared to believe but I know in my heart You have a good plan for me and for my family. And I know that ultimately You will not allow anything that isn't for my good. I will do my part, Lord, and trust You with the outcome. Thank You, Lord! I love You!
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