Tuesday, November 17, 2010

Dear God,
     Well, I thought today would be a day of rest. Instead I was called in to work. One of the grill team came to work sick and ended up going home. Robyn took her spot and I was counter person till 1 (I found out after the fact that I was supposed to be there till 1:30 but they let me go anyway.).  I went in but I went in reluctantly. I need the hours but after the last few days, work was the last place I wanted to be. I didn't feel like putting on my game face and smiling as though there wasn't a thing on my mind and I certainly did not want to have to deal with people. But I did. Unfortunately today has been one of those days when I feel all thumbs. Ira was trying to joke with me about the spills on the stove that need to be cleaned up and sadly I did not take it as joking; I took him to be serious. In turn he became angry and was going to just leave until I called him back. He's right when he says how I poke jabs at him and make remarks and he laughs it off but when it is done to me, I can't take it; therefore that is why he doesn't joke with me. Because I can't take it.
       As if that wasn't enough, there was a knock on the door and I was handed an envelope with a court paper inside. I am being subpoenaed to appear in small claims court December 2. I had my gall bladder out four years ago and wasn't able to consistently make payments, partly because I was out of work but even after I went back to work I didn't bring home enough to cover everything. What worries me is, when I get all of my paperwork and any necessary bills and such together, I am going to have to include the boys' social security and SSI. By law, that isn't supposed to be seized for things like this but it happened to me once before and if it happens again, I don't know what we're going to do. They have tried to garnish my wages to no avail, they are probably going to end up with my state tax return. If they get the boys' money, I don't know how we'll get through. I just feel as though I have let my family and the ones I love the most down!
        I'm sorry, dear God. All of this sounds like I doubt You and Your word, like somehow You're only going to bring me so far and no further. That isn't it. Today was just one thing heaped on top of another and I just had a melt down. I had a bout with my humanity again and for today it won. I don't want it to win again; I want a life of victory. I want the life you died to give me. You have a good plan for me and for my family and You know the plans You have for us. They are to give us a future and a hope! It says so in Your Word. It says so and I believe it is so. I am very afraid of the days ahead but I will not live in fear! I will not allow it to steal my life or my joy! And Your joy is what keeps me strong!
       Good night, God.